Texas Democrats, put down your yard signs. Fold up your canvassing maps. Return that rented bus. Ken Paxton — impeached, investigated, Dictator Don-endorsed, and running on fumes of pure audacity — is going to win the Texas Senate seat in November. Allow me to detail just a few reasons why Dumbacrats are, once again and forever, getting high on their own supply of hopeium. They’ll never learn until the Democratic Party realizes it needs to be razed and reimagined into a political force with the ruthlessness and desire to consistently win everywhere, not just sometimes in a few places.
He Survived Being Impeached. That’s Actually a Superpower. Most politicians, upon being impeached by their own party for allegedly accepting bribes and abusing the power of their office, might reflect, reconsider, or at a minimum take a spa day. Paxton was impeached in 2023 for allegedly accepting bribes and abusing the power of his office — and responded by running for higher office. This is not a liability. This is an origin story. In Texas, getting impeached and surviving is the political equivalent of bench-pressing a truck. Voters love a man who cannot be stopped by accountability.
A Court Handed His Accusers $6.6 Million. Surely That Helps. A judge awarded $6.6 million to whistleblowers who reported Paxton to the FBI. What does this tell us? Ken Paxton generates economic activity. Jobs were created. Lawyers were paid. A whole ecosystem of accountability proceedings flourished under his watch. This is stimulus spending. Democrats claim to care about workers — well, those whistleblower attorneys have mortgages too.
Dictator Don Endorsed Him, and That Is Simply That. The Don! endorsed Paxton, dealing a massive political blow to longtime Sen. John Cornyn. In a lengthy post on Truth Social, he said that Paxton has been “extremely loyal” to him and the MAGA movement. Loyalty. In Texas. To El Duce. It’s like finding out your horse has a turbo engine. Democrats can’t out-loyal this. They’ve tried running on healthcare, voting rights, and climate — none of which are turbo engines. Because no one cares about those pesky fundamental rights and issues.
The Democrat Running Against Him Is Polling Ahead, Which Is Irrelevant. Yes, yes. A University of Texas poll shows Democrat James Talarico winning by 8 points in a Paxton matchup, and Texas Public Opinion Research shows Talarico leading by 5 points against Paxton. But ask yourself: Have you met Texas? Polls in Texas are a form of performance art. They exist to give Democrats feelings, which they will then have, and then lose. This is a tradition.
Even Texas RepubliKKKlans Are Worried. Adorable. Texas RepubliKKKlans have expressed concern about how Paxton would fare in the general election. One Texas state representative said that “Ken Paxton would be a disaster for Texas conservatives!” Concern noted. Filed and shredded! This is the same state that has repeatedly re-elected Paxton despite the FBI referrals, the impeachment, the whistleblowers, and what can only be described as a highlight reel of alleged misconduct. “Concern” in Texas is what happens right before people vote for him anyway. But of course! I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Then We Have the Tried and True Christian Hypocrisy, Which They Roundly Ignore. Ken Paxton, a proud champion of Christian family values, has built his political brand on defending the sanctity of marriage — other people’s marriages, specifically. A fierce culture warrior who has attended Stonebriar Community Church, Paxton has never let a well-documented extramarital affair with a younger political donor slow his roll as Texas’s foremost moral guardian. Indeed, his ability to sue states over LGBTQ rights, invoke Scripture in press releases, and simultaneously conduct a years-long affair with a woman he helped get a job is a kind of theological multitasking that most Christians simply lack the stamina for. In Paxton’s Texas, “thou shalt not commit adultery” is less a commandment and more a loose suggestion — one that applies firmly to everyone except the man enforcing it. His constituents, bless their hearts, have rewarded this breathtaking hypocrisy with multiple election victories, proving that in Texas, waving a Bible matters considerably more than reading one!
Texas Democrats: You have a compelling candidate, favorable polling, a historically bad opponent with a historically bad record, and genuine momentum. Which means, statistically, you’re right on schedule for a demoralizing near-miss that will be written up as “could Texas be turning blue?” in a magazine that nobody in Texas will read. Ken Paxton will win because Texas gonna Texas. And if he doesn’t — I guess I’ll be wrong. Welcome to stupid America! Fat, stupid, and corrupt! Yee-haw!