Welcome to Stupid America!

Point 6 of the MOU — “The United States of America undertakes with regional partners to develop a definitive, mutually agreed plan with at least USD $300 billion for the reconstruction and economic development of the Islamic Republic of Iran. The mechanism for the implementation of this plan will be finalized as part of a final deal within 60 days.”

Point 10 of the MOU — “The United States of America undertakes that immediately upon the signing of this MOU and until the termination of sanctions, U.S. Department of Treasury will issue waivers for the export of Iranian crude oil, petroleum products, and derivatives, and all associated services, including banking transactions, insurances, transportation, etc.”

Point 11 of the MOU — “The United States of America undertakes to make fully available for use the frozen or restricted funds and assets of the Islamic Republic of Iran. Upon the implementation of this MOU, the United States of America and the Islamic Republic of Iran will mutually agree on the procedures related to the release of these funds during the negotiations. Such funds, whether retained in the original account or transferred, shall be made fully usable for payment to any ultimate beneficiary designated by the Central Bank of the Islamic Republic of Iran. The United States of America undertakes to issue all necessary licenses and authorizations accordingly.”

And with these three points of the MOU, f***tards, the United States of America becomes the number one funder of — wait for it … waaaaait for it — terrorism! Un-f***ing-beleivable! I can’t! I just f***ing can’t with this m*****f***ing G.D. sh*t-for-brains country anymore. Iran has conquered American dominance on the world stage by demanding our capitulation to their demands, and no one in this f***ing country cares. This is the greatest humiliation for our country since the end of the Vietnam War, and people couldn’t care less. Americans’ insouciance toward the terms of this document of surrender is insufferable. How is it that Iran, our enemy and a nation we have called the number one exporter of terrorism in the region and around the world, has now extracted reperations from us?!?! Do morons of America not understand that the losers of wars pay the victors? What the actual f***? (See the Treaty of Versailles that ended World War I, and don’t let the fact that Dictator Don signed the MOU at Versailles on 17 June 2026 be lost. The irony is suffocating. I’m sure this washes over the hordes of America dumb-dumbs. But I digress.) I give up. I guess Americans are finally tired of winning, so this war with Iran is just one more humiliation that rolls off the back of citizens like water off the back of a duck. And don’t get me started on Dictator Don’s press conference, where he stated his intentions to let Iran keep its ballistic missiles arsenal, among other boons for our enemy. Whatever! Nothing matters — as usual!

This is seriously the last straw. I hate what America has become. I hate the people who voted for Dictator Don and every RepubliKKKlan — without exception. And that goes for Never Trumpers who are still in the party. I’m over their staying in to save the party. The party cannot be saved, so now they are part of the problem. I hate them all with the heat of a thousand white-hot suns. I hate America for the abject level of stupidity to which it has devolved. Although I’ve been saying it for years and I saw this trainwreck coming down the track from miles away, I am still stunned that America can be this f***ing stupid. But this is the government we deserve and desire. A moronic populace elects a moronic leader — twice FFS — who makes moronic decisions, destroying the nation in his wake, and right on cue, the United States of Idiocracy shrugs it off, praising The Don! as the greatest thing since sliced bread. If I’ve said it once, then I’ve said it a thousand times before: America died the second it re-elected the Idiot-in-Chief into office. There is no coming back from this presidential infamy, you sh*t-for-brains citizens. And no one cares! That’s probably the most insufferable aspect of the sign of our times. People just keep chugging along — spending as if there is no tomorrow. Pretending everything is normal. More focused on the rising stock market while democracy dies around them and America’s stature as a global leader shrinks by the day. No one gives one G.D. f***! I guess the country must be razed before it can be rebuilt. The f***tards of this country really do need to lose everything before they realize what they’ve done, but then again, that may be wishful thinking since Americans are clearly unlearnable. I live in stupid hell! The end has finally arrived! So, let’s get on with it! Welcome to stupid America! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Apparently, the “peace,” erm, “deal” agreed upon between the U.S. and Iran is so good that it must be kept secret from the rest of the world, as if it were the secret recipe for KFC’s fried chicken. As I predicted in a recent post, Deal!, this is the MOU that Dictator Don has been waiting for, but now worse according to some leaked details: namely, Americans will pay Iran cold, hard cash to get out of this mess. Fan-f***ing-tastic! Nothing speaks louder than money, and The Don! knows it. (But Obama! I can’t anymore. I just f***ing can’t.) This is not rocket science, f***tards! Of course, Dictator Don would buy his way out of his problem, just like he always does, every f***ing time. This is how he keeps getting away with everything — all the time. And Americans let him. What a f***ing joke. But whatever. Nothing matters anymore. America is just too f***ing stupid to survive. I’ve been saying it for years, and at every turn, America proves me right.

The end of America’s leadership and growing weakness on the world stage aside, this is my main concern for the upcoming midterms: this sh*t-for-brains country will forgive and forget post haste! It never f***ing fails. It’s clear The Don! is going to run away from the Middle East the second the ink dries on the documents of surrender, and he won’t return for any reason. Israel could invade the rest of Lebanon, triggering retaliation from Iran, and Dictor Don will say, in so many words, it’s their — everyone other country in the Middle East — problem now. To be clear, the U.S. is capitulating to Iran on all fronts. Dictator Don mentioned at the G7 that he wants to put Iran in the rearview mirror. And no one is going to do it faster than the moronic populace that is the United States of America. And forget RepubliKKKlan pushback; anyone who thinks they will stand up to Dictator Don over this disastrous “deal” is as stupid as I would expect them to be.

I promise you, and let me repeat: this sh*t-for-brains country can’t wait to forget about this failed war of choice; the rate of America’s amnesia and ability to shrug off yet one more embarrassing military defeat at the hands of our chief foreign adversary is directly proportional to the rate at which gas prices fall, and gas prices are falling fast. Forget what the idiot “experts” say about gas prices shooting up like a rocket and falling like a feather! They are wrong. Gas prices are already down by one-third¹ in the last month from their wartime high, and that’s before the MOU has been officially signed. Once things settle down in a couple of months — just in time for the midterm elections — f***tards of America will have brushed off the loss against Iran — What’s Iran, most will ask — and revel in the low price of gas, giving all the credit to The Don!, while lambasting Biden for not being able to “force” gas prices down as Dictator Don had. All in time for idiot voters to re-elect RepubliKKKlans to maintain majorities in both houses of Congress. And it won’t matter if Iran violates every tenet of the MOU and further negotiations falter. It won’t matter to the American people. Everyone will have moved on to the next shiny fiasco (read: Cuba). America (and the world) will be in a worse position with Iran than before the war, and no one will give a f*** because Americans are completely clueless. It never f***ing fails! Mark my words, morons. Mark them well! This is what a dying democracy looks like. People always get the government they deserve and desire. I keep saying it, and no one believes me. All hail our “great” leader, The Don! Welcome to stupid America! I expected nothing less! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¹ Per AAA data: national average at the start of war was $2.98; average high during the war was $4.55; current average as of 16 June 2026 is $4.04; ($4.55-$4.04)/($4.55-$2.98)*100 = 32%.

According to CNBC, “President Donald Trump on Thursday claimed that the U.S. ‘just made a great settlement of the war with Iran,’ subject to the ‘finalization of documents.’ Trump said in the Oval Office that he expects a signing to occur ‘over the next few days,’ repeating similar claims he has made numerous times over the course of the war. … Earlier, Trump said he canceled an upcoming round of U.S. military strikes against Iran, claiming that talks with the Islamic Republic ‘have been brought to the highest level of Iranian leadership and approved.’ Iranian state media outlet Fars, however, reported on Telegram soon after Trump’s announcement that Tehran has not approved any text for an initial memorandum of understanding with the U.S.”

Finally, finally, finally! Peace is at hand, and unlike Dictator Don’s previous 37 assertions that the war is over, this time is different! How could it not be the case? The orange idiot — our fearless moronic leader — just said we made a “great settlement” with Iran. It’s in black and white in the article. There is no way this can’t not be true. The Don! has never lied a day in his life. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Welcome to stupid America, buying sh*t hook, line, and sinker since 2016. Look in the mirror, people. Look in the mirror!

Says Dictator Don! But, of course, he does! And no one f***ing cares. Such (not so) careless speak washes over every head in this God-foresaken sh*t-for-brains country. If any other president (Democratic ones, mind you) had uttered these words, it would be the end of their presidency. They would immediately become a lame duck, forever trying to walk back their words. The MSM and RepubliKKKlans would be relentless in their attacks on what they would naturally describe as a president being so out of touch with the people that he should resign in shame. How could a president who claims to “love the inflation” be expected to lead now that he’s obviously revealed his true feelings, RepubliKKKlans will assert. These would be the line of attack against a Democratic president, but what treatment does The Don! get? Crickets. F***ing crickets! Because he’s been saying sh*t and lying for the last ten years continuously, nothing matters. He just keeps spouting off moronic assertions and embarrassingly grandiose pronouncements, and no one gives a f***! It’s just The Don! being The Don! The level of absurdity this country has come to accept is insufferable. But I expected nothing less. If you want to understand the collective level of stupidity a nation is willing to condone in society, then look no further than the guy they elected to the White House. It’s the mirror, stupid! How many times must I say it? How many f***ing times? Welcome to stupid America!

Ended before it even began. According to NBC News, “Iran has declared an end to its military operations against Israel, after the two sides exchanged a wave of attacks that threatened to tilt the Middle East back into all-out war. Israel has yet to respond to the announcement.” Wow! This ended so quickly that I couldn’t post fast enough to say this latest round of “aggression” is meaningless and nothing would come of it. This was all posturing. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” Look, morons, I keep saying this: The war is over! Full stop! The U.S. not only lost the battle but also lost face and its stature on the world stage. There will not be a resumption of all-out hostilities. What will continue are these low-grade tit-for-tat exchanges. And, no, Iran is not going to close the Bab al-Mandeb Strait. That’s not going to happen. The state of play at this point is simply microaggressions and antagonizing words of vacuous bluster signifying nothing. The markets will close higher, and oil will be lower because people are ignoring the mess in the Middle East. It just doesn’t exist. It may no longer be a war, but it is a global economic disaster nonetheless that no one wants to acknowledge. We’ve just become accustomed to chaos. Chaos in the U.S. Chaos across the globe. Chaos in the markets and economies. What a way to live! But this is what this sh*t-for-brains country voted for: The Don! to break everything and fix nothing! Fan-f***ing-tastic. I expected nothing less. Welcome to stupid America!

WTF! Seriously, what the actual f*** is going on here?!?! As of the time of this writing, AAA reports the national average gas price for regular is $4.1740, down from a high of $4.5580 since the war with Iran began. That’s a drop of $0.388 for no good reason. “Peace talks” have stalled. The Strait of Hormuz is still effectively closed. I read a report that 100 ships have passed through the Strait since hostilities began, a trifle compared to the shipping traffic that would normally traverse the waterway. Yet, prices continue to drop. Granted, gas prices might be dropping because demand has fallen due to the elevated prices of gas; thus, prices are seeking a new daily equilibrium. Nonetheless, this war is far from a resolution, yet the markets are pretending it never really happened. Un-f***ing-believable. How the f*** can people (aka the market) be so f***ing stupid? Clearly, nothing matters anymore. All Dictator Don needs to do is claim — daily and repeatedly — that a deal is close, and the f***ing markets believe him despite nothing happening — over and over and over again. I swear to f***ing God this entire sh*t-for-brains country can’t not be beguiled by the conman sitting in the White House after all this time. How is this even possible? How? Whatever! I give up!

It’s astonishing to me that under Biden’s term — through no fault of his own — the average gas price spiked to $5.62 a gallon with the onset of Russia’s war on Ukraine, which, on its face, was less of a shock to markets than what’s happening now. The direct volume removed from global supply in 2022 was relatively modest — probably 500,000 to 1 million barrels per day of Western-facing supply, not a full cutoff. Whereas about 20 million barrels of oil and oil products were exported through the Strait of Hormuz per day in 2025, roughly one-quarter of the global seaborne oil trade. Iran’s closure of the Strait didn’t just cut Iranian oil; it blocked the exports of Saudi Arabia, Iraq, the UAE, Kuwait, and Qatar as well.

Of course, this flies in the face of energy “experts,” aka gas market analysts, who have been saying since the war with Iran started that we’re reaching a tipping point; we’re weeks away from a barrel of oil skyrocketing; worldwide oil reserves being depleted; it’s just a matter of time before all hell breaks loose and we run out of oil. All this is imminent! Yawn! Talk about the boy who cried wolf. Sure, I guess this could happen, and one would think, I — as an admitted catastrophizer — would readily buy into such a dire prediction, but I’ve grown more skeptical of “experts” who cry wolf too often. Although I don’t think the Strait is going to reopen any time soon, which kinda busts my earlier prediction that Dictator Don would take Iran’s offer to open the Strait if the U.S. withdraws the blockade. I guess we’re at a stalemate, and the world has collectively shrugged, accepting the new “normal.” Have you noticed that stock markets in the U.S. and in Asia have broken new records? (S&P 500 hit 7,609 on 2 June 2026, Dow Jones hit 51,561 on 4 June 2026, Nikkei 225 hit 68,786 on 3 June 2026, and the KOSPI hit 8,788 on 1 June 2026.) Growth in the U.S. appears unabated by the war. Inflation may be rising, but Americans are spending as if there’s no tomorrow. A protracted war with Iran, you say? What war? Christ! Welcome to stupid America. We’ll just binge shop our way out of this mess, like we always do, and The Don! gets all the credit, while Biden still gets all the blame because of course!

I thank Claude for reading my mind in the following creation.

Let us not be sentimental about this. Sentimentality is precisely the disease we are diagnosing. The decline of baseball as America’s pastime and the explosive rise of mixed martial arts are not merely a story about changing entertainment preferences, as if we simply traded one flavor of ice cream for another. They are a cultural confession — a document signed in blood and pay-per-view revenue that tells us, with brutal clarity, what we have decided to become. A people that once organized its summers around a game of elegant patience and collective ritual has chosen, in the span of a single generation, to spend its leisure hours watching human beings choke each other unconscious in a steel cage. This is not a footnote. This is the headline. The question is not whether we should mourn baseball. The question is what it means that we don’t.

* * *

Baseball was, at its core, a game of consequence deferred. Its entire architecture was built on the interval — the space between pitch and swing, between at-bat and inning, between opening day and October. It rewarded the fan who understood that a single game was almost meaningless, that a season was a slow argument made across one hundred and sixty-two nights, that a championship was the accumulated result of hundreds of small decisions made correctly under pressure over months. It was, in other words, a game that trained its audience in the discipline of democratic citizenship: the understanding that outcomes are determined not by any single dramatic moment but by the grinding accumulation of effort, judgment, and institutional trust.

That is not what America wants anymore. That is not what we are building. Look at our politics and tell me, with a straight face, that we are a people still capable of appreciating the slow argument. We have traded the senator for the pundit, the floor debate for the televised ambush, the platform for the tweet. We have decided that the only political moment worth having is the knockout — the clip that goes viral, the mic drop, the opponent humiliated, the enemy destroyed in real time before a live audience that has come not to deliberate but to watch somebody get finished.

“We have decided that the only political moment worth having is the knockout. The cage and the chamber have become interchangeable.”

The UFC and our political culture are not analogies. They are the same phenomenon wearing different uniforms. Both sell the promise of total dominance. Both have elevated the trash-talking pre-fight press conference — the ritual humiliation of the opponent before the violence begins — to an art form that often eclipses the contest itself. Both reward the man who can make his enemy look weak in front of a crowd. Both have systematically devalued anything that cannot be reduced to a highlight. The cage and the legislative chamber have become interchangeable spaces, each one full of men performing aggression for an audience that has been conditioned to read restraint as weakness and de-escalation as defeat.

* * *

Consider what MMA actually rewards, at the level of pure mechanics. It rewards the capacity to impose your will on another person’s body by force. It rewards the ability to tolerate pain long enough to inflict greater pain. It rewards the man who can take a human limb and bend it past the point where the joint will hold. These are genuine athletic skills — let us not be naive about the discipline and courage required — but they are skills organized entirely around the project of physical domination. The sport ends when one person cannot continue. The victory condition is the opponent’s incapacity.

Now look at our politics. Not the politics of twenty years ago, not some idealized version — look at the politics we actually have. The victory condition is the opponent’s incapacity. The goal is not to persuade but to destroy, not to govern but to humiliate, not to build coalitions but to break the other side’s will to resist. We have imported the logic of the octagon into every institution we possess. The Senate floor. The school board meeting. The local zoning hearing. Everywhere the same performance: two sides, one winner, and a crowd that has been told there is honor in finishing the fight.

This is not hyperbole. Political violence — actual physical violence, the kind that used to be confined to the edges of American life — has moved to the center. Not because Americans have suddenly become more evil, but because we have spent a generation marinating in a cultural ecosystem that aestheticizes dominance and pathologizes compromise. When the most popular sport in the country is built on the premise that disputes are resolved by choking someone until they tap out, do not be surprised when a meaningful portion of the population begins to apply that logic to disputes that are not, in fact, sporting events.

* * *

Baseball, for all its many failures — and they were real, and they were significant — had a different premise at its center. The game punished the man who swung at everything. The disciplined hitter, the one who could take a ball off the plate, who could foul off a two-strike pitch until the pitcher made a mistake, who could work a walk when the game needed a walk — this man was valued. The walk does not appear on the highlight reel. It does not generate a clip. It does not trend. But it scores runs. It wins games. It wins pennants. It builds, across a long season, the kind of patient advantage that eventually overwhelms the team that was trying to hit home runs every time up.

We do not have a politics that values the walk. We do not have a media environment that covers it. We do not have an electorate that rewards it. We have built, brick by brick, a culture that treats patience as passivity, compromise as betrayal, and incremental progress as a sign that your side lacks the killer instinct. We have built, in short, a culture in which no one wants to work the count. Everyone is up there hacking, trying to end the at-bat in one swing, because waiting — because the slow accumulation of advantage — has come to feel like losing.

“The disciplined hitter who could work a walk, who could foul off a two-strike pitch — this man was valued. We do not have a politics that values the walk.”

And so we lose. Not in any single election, not in any single season, but in the way that teams lose when they abandon process for swagger: gradually at first, then completely.

* * *

The defenders of MMA will say — and they are not entirely wrong — that the sport is a mirror, not a cause. That the violence was always there, that MMA simply made it visible, that polite society’s preference for baseball was never really about virtue but about the comfortable distance between the bourgeois fan in the bleachers and the violence being done in the ghetto, in the slaughterhouse, in the wars fought by other people’s children. There is real force to this argument. Baseball’s pastoral mythology has always laundered a great deal of ugliness. The cornfields and the cathedral light and the fathers-and-sons sentimentality were never the whole story of who we were.

But a mirror, held up long enough, becomes a window. And a window, left open long enough, becomes a door. The argument that we are only reflecting what was always there ignores the basic fact of cultural feedback: that what we celebrate, we amplify; that what we reward, we produce more of; that a society organized around the aesthetics of dominance and submission will generate, in time, a politics that operates on exactly those terms. We are not simply revealing our nature. We are training it.

We are training a generation of citizens on the grammar of the cage: that there are two people in every conflict, that one of them must lose, that the crowd is there to watch the losing happen, and that mercy is a thing you show only when the referee forces you to. We are then expressing shock — performative, unconvincing shock — when that grammar begins to structure our encounters with political opponents, with neighbors, with institutions, with the very idea of a shared republic.

* * *

Baseball’s last gift to us, if we are willing to take it, is the knowledge that the game is never over. The trailing team always has its outs remaining. The comeback is always structurally possible. The game, by its own internal rules, cannot simply be run out. This is what made it the right sport for a democratic republic — the encoded insistence that the minority retains its chance, that the final out has not been recorded, that the score at this moment is not the score that will stand.

We are discarding that logic. We are replacing it with a sport whose entire purpose is to make the other person stop. And we should be honest, at last, about what that tells us — not about our entertainment preferences, not about our attention spans, not about the business strategies of sports leagues — but about our appetite for each other. About what we have decided our fellow citizens are for.

They are not opponents in a long game. They are enemies in a cage. And the crowd did not come to watch with deliberation. The crowd came to watch someone get finished.

There is no more perfect demonstration of the baseness and benightedness of American culture than the upcoming UFC event at the White House. Only in this sh*t-for-brains country — The United States of America — is mixed martial “arts” fighting elevated to a spectacle that the hoards of f***tards will openly and proudly embrace and relish as entertainment to relieve themselves of the daily reminder that their lives suck under this RepubliKKKlan reign (of terror). This is WWE for the 21st century.

It’s impossible not to reflect on the fall of Rome as a comparison to the present. The Roman satirist Juvenal, writing in the early 2nd century AD, coined the phrase panem et circenses — bread and circuses — to describe what the Roman ruling class had figured out: that a populace stripped of genuine political power could be kept docile, even enthusiastic, with enough free grain and enough spectacular entertainment. The Colosseum didn’t just host gladiatorial games. It was a political instrument — a place where emperors demonstrated their munificence, reinforced hierarchies, and redirected public energy that might otherwise have pointed toward the Senate, the courts, or the palace itself. The genius of the system was that it felt like a gift. The crowd roared. They loved their emperor (read: Dictator Don) for it.

Rome’s decline was not a single dramatic collapse. It was a long, slow erosion — of civic institutions, of checks on executive power, of the idea that the state existed to serve something beyond the vanity of whoever happened to be holding power at any given moment. The games didn’t cause the fall. But they were a symptom of the same disease: a political culture that had learned to substitute sensation for governance, loyalty for citizenship, and spectacle for accountability. The late empire didn’t lack for entertainment. It lacked for everything else.

What makes UFC Freedom 250 worth scrutinizing is the staging: a sitting president converting the symbolic seat of American democratic government into a private event venue, wrapped in patriotic branding, timed to his own birthday, with the gates largely closed to the public he ostensibly serves. The Washington Monument as a backdrop. The Lincoln Memorial as a weigh-in stage. The iconography of the republic as set dressing for a pay-per-view. Juvenal would recognize the move immediately. Did I mention that this UFC extravaganza coincides with Dictator Don’s birthday? This only reinforces the notion of praising the Führer. It’s hardly a celebration of America’s birth; it’s an adulation of The Don’s! birth.

But whatever! Humanity has been here before: Panem et Circenses. Nothing ever changes, except the technology of the times; for Rome, it was the Colosseum, for America, it’s a cage on the White House’s South Lawn. How apropos! “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:9, KJV). Human nature has never changed and will never change. It’s one long doom loop of stupidity and idiocracy, followed by even greater stupidity and idiocracy. And no one cares! Welcome to stupid America! I expected nothing less!

According to CBS News, “Iran’s IRIB state TV network reported Wednesday that it had ‘obtained’ a draft of the ‘Islamabad Framework’ – a memorandum of understanding taking shape with the U.S. that would see the countries agree to extend their ceasefire and reopen the Strait of Hormuz, while also launching direct negotiations on more contentious matters. … It said the draft includes a commitment from the U.S. to lift its blockade of Iranian ports and vessels. In return, Iran would restore the flow of commercial shipping through the Persian Gulf and the Sea of Oman, through the Strait of Hormuz, to pre-war levels within one month.”

This is the deal that Dictator Don has been waiting for; essentially, a return to the status quo before the bombing started: Reopen the Strait of Hormuz and the withdrawal of the U.S. Navy from its blockade of Iran. Of course, this is followed by a “commitment” to discuss all the other points of a “peace deal,” which The Don! will eventually allow to fade into the background. I promise that once the Strait is open, he’ll lose (along with voters and the MSM) all interest in the situation he created. Negotiations will drag on for the rest of his term, neither advancing nor retreating. As I said weeks ago, this war is over. No one wants to fight, and the “peace” will look remarkably identical to 27 February 2026 — a quiet, persistent tension in the region, but nothing about which anyone is willing to do something to resolve. Nothing is ever going to be done about hampering Iran’s nuclear ambitions. It was never a genuine concern of The Don! anyway, no matter how many times he professed it was. Just ask Iranians about his commitment to liberate the country from a theocracy. In short, back to the way it ever was. Dictator Don slinks away from yet another disaster unscathed. Fan-f***ing-tastic! Whatever!

And no one will care. Once again, Dictator Don creates a mess, and everyone else has to live with the consequences and clean up his mess, never holding him accountable. So, the other Gulf States will have to manage living in proximity to an increasingly hostile and agitated Iran that feels more emboldened to flex its political and war-making powers. Good luck with that. As for Israel, well, Bibi just has to live with The Don! walking away, resolving nothing. And right on cue, Bibi will, no doubt, praise the Idiot-in-Chief for God knows what as the usual boot-licking parting gift. As for domestic criticism of Dictator Don’s failed war and Iranian policy, I say this: What critics? Enough said. Ask Cornyn how his criticisms of The Don! worked out. No one will cross El Duce.

The ultimate kicker is that all this will happen in time for oil and gas prices to return to “norm” just before the 2026 midterm elections, and voters will forgive it all. This, I promise you. It never f***ing fails because voters have the memory of a gold fish, and every f***tard voter looks at gas prices and thinks they’re a f***ing economist. Thus, low prices at the pump mean El Duce is great, and everything is humming along, so let’s keep RepubliKKKlans in the halls of power to do even more destruction. And don’t believe those “analysts” and “experts” who say gas prices will not return to pre-war levels until 2027. That is stupid thinking. Granted, they will not fall like a rock once the Strait is open, as the Idiot-in-Chief asserts. Gas prices will drop at roughly the same pace at which they rose. The average gas price has dropped by $0.10 over the past week amid rumors of a (flawed) deal, while the U.S. and Iran are still exchanging light fire. Dropped on nothing happening! Thus, prices will retreat faster than expected, and the short-term impacts on the economy will be quickly forgotten; the long-term consequences will never materialize. As I said, all will be forgiven just as voters forgave and forgot everything Dictator Don did before he got re-elected. Mark my words, morons. Mark them well! Never mind that America lost this war to Iran. How embarrassing, and no one gives a f***! Wow! MAGA! Am I right? Happy days are soon to be here again, because of course. The Don! always gets away with it. Always! Welcome to stupid America! And now, on to Cuba!

Texas Democrats, put down your yard signs. Fold up your canvassing maps. Return that rented bus. Ken Paxton — impeached, investigated, Dictator Don-endorsed, and running on fumes of pure audacity — is going to win the Texas Senate seat in November. Allow me to detail just a few reasons why Dumbacrats are, once again and forever, getting high on their own supply of hopeium. They’ll never learn until the Democratic Party realizes it needs to be razed and reimagined into a political force with the ruthlessness and desire to consistently win everywhere, not just sometimes in a few places.

He Survived Being Impeached. That’s Actually a Superpower. Most politicians, upon being impeached by their own party for allegedly accepting bribes and abusing the power of their office, might reflect, reconsider, or at a minimum take a spa day. Paxton was impeached in 2023 for allegedly accepting bribes and abusing the power of his office — and responded by running for higher office. This is not a liability. This is an origin story. In Texas, getting impeached and surviving is the political equivalent of bench-pressing a truck. Voters love a man who cannot be stopped by accountability.

A Court Handed His Accusers $6.6 Million. Surely That Helps. A judge awarded $6.6 million to whistleblowers who reported Paxton to the FBI. What does this tell us? Ken Paxton generates economic activity. Jobs were created. Lawyers were paid. A whole ecosystem of accountability proceedings flourished under his watch. This is stimulus spending. Democrats claim to care about workers — well, those whistleblower attorneys have mortgages too.

Dictator Don Endorsed Him, and That Is Simply That. The Don! endorsed Paxton, dealing a massive political blow to longtime Sen. John Cornyn. In a lengthy post on Truth Social, he said that Paxton has been “extremely loyal” to him and the MAGA movement. Loyalty. In Texas. To El Duce. It’s like finding out your horse has a turbo engine. Democrats can’t out-loyal this. They’ve tried running on healthcare, voting rights, and climate — none of which are turbo engines. Because no one cares about those pesky fundamental rights and issues.

The Democrat Running Against Him Is Polling Ahead, Which Is Irrelevant. Yes, yes. A University of Texas poll shows Democrat James Talarico winning by 8 points in a Paxton matchup, and Texas Public Opinion Research shows Talarico leading by 5 points against Paxton. But ask yourself: Have you met Texas? Polls in Texas are a form of performance art. They exist to give Democrats feelings, which they will then have, and then lose. This is a tradition.

Even Texas RepubliKKKlans Are Worried. Adorable. Texas RepubliKKKlans have expressed concern about how Paxton would fare in the general election. One Texas state representative said that “Ken Paxton would be a disaster for Texas conservatives!” Concern noted. Filed and shredded! This is the same state that has repeatedly re-elected Paxton despite the FBI referrals, the impeachment, the whistleblowers, and what can only be described as a highlight reel of alleged misconduct. “Concern” in Texas is what happens right before people vote for him anyway. But of course! I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Then We Have the Tried and True Christian Hypocrisy, Which They Roundly Ignore. Ken Paxton, a proud champion of Christian family values, has built his political brand on defending the sanctity of marriage — other people’s marriages, specifically. A fierce culture warrior who has attended Stonebriar Community Church, Paxton has never let a well-documented extramarital affair with a younger political donor slow his roll as Texas’s foremost moral guardian. Indeed, his ability to sue states over LGBTQ rights, invoke Scripture in press releases, and simultaneously conduct a years-long affair with a woman he helped get a job is a kind of theological multitasking that most Christians simply lack the stamina for. In Paxton’s Texas, “thou shalt not commit adultery” is less a commandment and more a loose suggestion — one that applies firmly to everyone except the man enforcing it. His constituents, bless their hearts, have rewarded this breathtaking hypocrisy with multiple election victories, proving that in Texas, waving a Bible matters considerably more than reading one!

Texas Democrats: You have a compelling candidate, favorable polling, a historically bad opponent with a historically bad record, and genuine momentum. Which means, statistically, you’re right on schedule for a demoralizing near-miss that will be written up as “could Texas be turning blue?” in a magazine that nobody in Texas will read. Ken Paxton will win because Texas gonna Texas. And if he doesn’t — I guess I’ll be wrong. Welcome to stupid America! Fat, stupid, and corrupt! Yee-haw!